Mutilated & Sealed, A body without A Soul

I am a woman with no Clitoris. Without my clitoris, I am a body without a soul. my life after marriage has been hell not because I was not a good wife, a friend, and a great companion to my husband but because after being born perfect, my mother and grandmother out of ignorance mutilated me and rendered me disabled. they deprived me of an organ that is supposed to make my sexual life as a woman smooth and easy without any hitches. An organ that will also play a pivotal role to me during Labour.

My name is Mansata Fatajo, I hailed from Baddibu Salikenni in the North Bank Region of the Gambia. I grew up in Kanifing with my Family so I am a town girl with deep roots in Baddibu. I also hailed from a strong Islamic Background. My Family are scholars and I am a committed Muslim who believes in keeping herself untouched before marriage so even dating is a big no for me.

In my 20s, most of my friends were married and we still keep in touch and hang out once in a while to gossip about life which of course includes their marital life including sex. My friends are mostly if not all town girls with no ties to Rural Gambia and from different ethnicities different from mine. I am a Mandinka by tribe.

Anytime, the topic of sex arose, their eyes widened and sparkled in excitement. I can tell that some of them get aroused just talking about how great their sex life is. They talk about how often they have intercourse with their husbands around the house, in the bathroom, on the couch and I will roll my eyes at them signaling to them that there is a spinster in their midst.

To me, Marriage life is not that boring and it will be amazing to experience what my friends are experiencing even though I know that not all that glitters are gold and they may exaggerate sometimes.

Oh well, I was done with University and I was also progressing in my career as a Banker so I decided to give marriage a shot by paying attention to some of my admirers not to talk of my mother who indirectly pester me about it. That is how I met and married my Husband Pa Ebou.

A few months into the Marriage, not only did I not experience all the juicy things my friends said about sex and from what I read in Romantic Novels but I was beginning to drift away from my Husband and I was not interested in sex or any sexual activities that will lead to intercourse.

I am not aroused when my Husband pressed his lips against mine and put his tongue in my mouth, or when he brings his delicate fingers to fondle, play, or suck on my breast with his mouth. The man tried so hard to put me in the mood but I don't get wet down there and after one round, I go through pain and soreness due to bruises and I found myself coming up with endless excuses in front of a horny helpless man who is still ready to go for three more rounds with his wife. I look at him and I see the lust in his eyes and my heart aches because I can't perform my duties as a wife.

This has been my life every night. Sometimes I lay on the bed stiff with my hands clenched in a fist and my teeth gritted together in pain while my Husband satisfied his lustful desires. Then I will retreat to the bathroom, step into the shower, and let the cold water soothe my bruise and burning vulva. The tears I tried so hard to hold back will start dropping like rain.

I decided to gather the courage and talk to my mother about what I was going through but the woman not wanting to talk about a topic considered to be Taboo, simply said to me that I was suffering from the after-effects of the unsealing carried out on me by my Grandmother's friend who was also the one who mutilated me when I was 5 years old.

I visited a gynae my friend introduced to me. He asked if I went through any procedure and I admitted that I went through FGM and sealing. I also described my nuptial night which I nicknamed "a night of horror." That night after several tries from my Husband to penetrate me proved futile, questions were asked, and my mother called my grandmother to confirm from my Mutilator whether I was sealed. I was shocked to know that the woman who gave birth to me was not aware that her daughter was sealed.

My impatient Husband was pacing around with both hands in his pocket and looking at me with suspicion because just like me, he did not know what was happening and why he could not penetrate his wife on a crucial night when everyone was waiting to confirm his manly prowess.

Just then, my mother's phone rang and broke the awkward silence in the room. She just gestured that I should follow her and I obeyed. I may not remember what happened when I was 5 years old but what I went through that night in the hands of my mutilator all in the name of unsealing me took a part of me that I would lose forever. As the women gripped me to the ground and shoved a blanket in my mouth to prevent me from screaming and waking up the dead, all I could feel was sharp blades grazing through my vulva and my clothes soaked in my blood.

I was lifted almost lifeless and taken back to my bedroom and my Husband was asked to continue from where he stopped. That night I begged for death because I was sure that death would be the solution to the excruciating pain I was experiencing in the hands of the people whom I loved. If I had known that I was sealed and needed to be unsealed for my Husband to penetrate me, I would have walked to the Hospital at that instant before my mom had the chance to whisk me away like that.

When I was done describing my ordeal, the gynae was speechless. We talked for a while, I was given some medication and I left. Back at my house, it dawned on me that without my clitoris, I would be a disabled woman and I would live the rest of my life in pain and agony. A pain that was inflicted on me by my mother and Grandmother with financial support from my Father.

Without My Clitoris I would never experienced Orgasm, my life and that of my unborn child would be at risk during labor. Even if I came out of it alive, I may not do without episiotomy. will I be one of the Women who comes out of Labour with Fistula? As I stared at the ceiling while biting on my fingernails, I decided to accept my fate knowing soon my Husband would either marry a complete woman or start sleeping around to satisfy himself.

This is my FGM story. As a mother, the moment you decide to mutilate, circumcise, or seal your daughter, you are opening the doors to excruciating pain and agony.